Personal Growth
Digging Deep
Years ago, I was in a terribly damaging relationship (many, actually) and in order to get things right I sought out a therapist, hoping to gain perspective, which ultimately I did and then some. The process wasn't easy but nothing worthwhile ever is. Most of all, I used the opportunity to focus on myself rather than the failing relationship which I could only partially control.
Personality Type
Throughout the process a few exercises really hit home. Trite as it may sound, one of my first assignments was to take the Myers Briggs personality test. My results were incredibly accurate, learning I was an INFJ, spelled out as Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Judging, and the rarest type, joining only 1% of the population. INFJ's are known for being highly intuitive, vision and meaning oriented and quietly intense. We are insightful, creative, sensitive, serious, persevering and inspiring. INFJ's seek harmony and love language and symbols.
Seeing my personality spelled out in such detail was amazing. In years past, I thought I enjoyed conflict because I was always at its center but the results explained how awful I am with conflict, unable to cope when it comes my way, spinning into a frenzy. Learning I need to avoid it at all costs was extremely valuable.
My profile also described me as a bit of a loner and one who tends to feel misunderstood, which I've experienced so many times in relationships, both romantic and friendly. It felt great to know my feelings were justified, in a sense. My profile also spoke to being in a constant state of growth which explains my unrest for the mundane and daily search for opportunities to learn, grow and challenge myself.
Describe Me in Five Words
During another session my therapist asked, "What do those closest think of you?" Honestly, I had no clue and it was terrifying to even consider but the question sparked my curiosity. So I decided to solicit my closest friends and family by asking each of them to describe me in five words. They could use positive or negative words but must be honest and I’d do my best not to be offended. Here's what they came up with:
Close Friends
Loyal (5)
Organized (3)
Beautiful (2)
Intelligent/Witty (2)
Adventurous (2)
Sassy (2)
Passionate (2)
Ambitious (2)
Detailed
Driven
Dependable
Outspoken
Compassionate
Blithe
Fun
Sweet(heart)
Determined
Caring
Blunt
Structured
Genuine
Strong
Stubborn
Kind
Independent
Curious
Analytical
Methodical
Committed
Honest
Family
Adventurous (2)
Well Traveled (2)
Free Spirited (2)
Beautiful (2)
Controlling
Thoughtful
Honest
Delightful
Confrontational
Fearless
Scared
Unique
Funny
Hearing the way my friends and family spoke of me was truly eye-opening. Beforehand, I didn't see myself as many of those things until they were written on paper. And honestly, who better to help you improve than those who know you best? The negatives focused my attention on areas that lacked and the positives were the best affirmation I could ask for.
Friends Make the World Go Round
One of the most valuable lessons learned while in therapy was that of friendship. Everyone in your life serves a specific purpose and not one human can fulfill all your needs. In the past, there have been countless moments when my expectations weren't met. I'd typically respond with passive aggressive behavior, eventually leading to silent treatment that could go on for months. I would feel hurt and frustrated that friends or family didn't show up or behave a certain way.
Therapy helped me realize each friend has a specific duty and I was expecting my “party friend” to be my “thoughtful shoulder-crying friend” and life just doesn't work that way. Once I realized not everyone can be everything to me, my friendships gained a much needed freedom (and I definitely lost a few losers along the way). In the end, you can't expect someone to change when they’re busy showing you who they are every day.
Recently though, I’m starting to think that maybe I should expect my friends to be all around good humans and show up for me wearing a variety of hats. Nonetheless, jury is still out on this one but I have started to make clear efforts to form worthy friendships that are valuable in all aspects of life.
Moving Forward
Dig deep, investigate who you are on the inside and really challenge yourself to be a better human. You'll go through horrible times and act in ways you wish you hadn't but the point isn't to punish yourself forever, it's to move forward and learn from your mistakes. Life is short, so keep that fire in your belly and be good to yourself, and others.
“Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.”
