Growing Up Mormon

My Truth in Religion 

Kids Being Kids

Let me first preface this with a little perspective. I haven’t been to church in over 20 years and around the time I was graduating high school my parents got a divorce. My family never returned to church as a whole and my parents continued to attend irregularly, while my grandparents stayed very active as they always had been, serving as missionaries in Puerto Rico and completing temple work regularly.

Growing up Mormon felt normal, until it didn’t. During primary school while living in Romeo, Michigan, one day my best friend told me she couldn’t play with me any longer because I was Mormon. At the time, it broke my little heart and I didn’t understand what was wrong with me.

In middle school and high school, I was known as the girl who didn’t drink or smoke or swear or have sex. I was a prude because I didn’t hook up with boys even though “smoocher” was my nickname. All I felt comfortable doing with boys was kissing and boy did I. I was a mystery and no one understood why I didn’t just go ahead and do all the naughty teenage things everyone else was doing but my life was different behind closed doors.

A typical school week during my teens was packed full of religious services. Seminary began at 6 a.m. on weekdays. High school students from the surrounding areas would attend morning classes where we’d study the Bible and Book of Mormon. Wednesday nights were youth group and on Sundays, sacrament and Sunday school would last three painful hours.

Do You Believe?

To me, being Mormon was very similar to Christianity but not many on the outside would see it that way. Mormons believe many of the same teachings as Christians but take everything a few steps further. They believe in heaven but not just one. There are three levels of heaven: celestial, terrestrial and telestial, where you reach certain tiers depending on your righteousness.

Mormons also believe in baptism but are baptized at the age of eight instead of birth. That way, sins that have occurred up until that point are washed away. Mormons even believe in baptisms for the dead which I’ve personally been a part of. Church members enter a Mormon temple and are baptized in place of someone who’s no longer living, giving them the opportunity to join the church in their afterlife.

One year, our youth group took a field trip to the temple to participate in baptisms for the dead. Once inside the temple, we all changed into thick white garments and one by one, we stepped into the baptismal font, meeting a male church member at the center. Names I’d never heard of began to be called aloud as I was dipped underwater for each one, reaching maybe 20 in total. I remember thinking the names didn’t sound American but didn’t find much else strange at the time.

Like Christians, Mormons believe in no sex before marriage but go much further in discouraging any type of physical contact. Even after marriage, partners wear sleeping garments to keep themselves modest. And of course, masturbating and pornography are prohibited.  

Mormons should not be gay or have any other non traditional sexual preference. They should not be suggestive in their dress. They should not swear or gossip or speak ill of others. They should not harm their bodies in any way including tattoos, smoking, alcohol or even coffee or soda because of the caffeine. To this day, I’ve never seen my parents take a sip of alcohol or drink from a cup of coffee.

Although most Mormons are incredibly kind and giving, I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in. Part of that judgement stems from an endless list of rules that are constantly enforced. Those rules prevented me from gaining a sense of freedom, individuality and confidence in making my own decisions that are necessary to grow and evolve. How can a child learn when all their decisions have already been made for them?

For me, church was all I knew and I’m glad I was raised with high morals and a sense of accountability but as I grow older, I’ve realized that I don’t need church to tell me what’s right and wrong. I’m capable of being a well adjusted responsible human on my own. There’s a point at which you have to let go of what others tell you and trust your gut.

Say What?

Sadly, I must also admit, I don’t remember many of the teachings despite an excess of 4,000 hours of religious lessons. It could be partly due to my horrible memory or that I’ve blocked so much of it out. Regardless, there were so many things that didn’t add up.

Mormons believe one can be sealed to their family so that after they die they’ll be together forever. They also believe that marriage is not ‘till death do you part’ but continues on in heaven. But if there are three levels of heaven, what if I’m sealed to my family and promised to be with them forever but my family member hasn’t reached my same level of heaven?  

Why did Jesus turn water into wine but we aren’t allowed to drink it? Historically, why did Joseph Smith allow for polygamy (even if there were an excess of male members) but now it’s only practiced by outcasts of the church? True Mormons haven't practiced polygamy since 1890 and no, my dad doesn't have multiple wives. Who is Joseph Smith anyway and how'd he become a modern day prophet?

Consequences

As with any extreme religion, there are often negative consequences. I’m a firm believer that if you control children too harshly they will eventually rebel and lack the tools necessary to handle the situations they get themselves into. This can manifest in a number of ways but for me, I began drinking and doing drugs at the age of 21. It was an incredibly dark time in my life and I’m lucky I made it out alive.

Another manifestation of my religious upbringing is my sexuality. For the most part, I was taught sex is wrong and not meant for pleasure but only to procreate. Growing up, I was disgusted with pornography and masturbation until recent years when I’ve accepted that it can be part of a healthy sex life. And for decades, I’ve struggled in romantic relationships, not knowing what I really like or want and how to truly be free and enjoy myself.

When I dated men, I hated sex. I thought something was wrong with me. I had decided, sex just isn’t for me and I’d spend the rest of my life trying to avoid it. It wasn’t until my first experience with a woman that I knew I wasn’t broken. I thought, “Oh my God. This is what it’s supposed to feel like.” Before then, being gay didn't exist in my world. I was never taught what it meant to be gay, so how could I be something I didn’t know existed?

Over the past several years, I’ve tried to focus on discovering my sexual identity but have experienced so many setbacks with partners who were unavailable emotionally and incapable of providing me with what I needed. Patience and understanding were what I’d hoped for but that surely wasn’t what I’d experience along my journey to Come on Out.

Today, I can proudly say I’m coming into my own and pleased with my growth. I'm a constant work in progress and happy I was raised Mormon but even happier with who I’ve decided to become. Personal growth and challenging myself are things I take on with an open heart and mind and now, I Have a Sex Coach.