Come on Out
When a Straight Girl Becomes Gay
Self Discovery
About a year into teaching English in South Korea, a fellow teacher and coworker of mine invited a group of us to her going away party. It was to be held at Labris, a secret lesbian bar hidden in the heart of Hongdae, a popular neighborhood known for its urban arts and indie culture. The bar sat on the seventh or eighth floor of a nondescript building and no men were allowed to step foot inside.
That night, I found myself nervous and awkward as usual. Iโd never been to a gay bar, had no gay friends and no idea what I was getting myself into. This was my first real go at being away from home and Growing Up Mormon, so up until this moment Iโd been fully sheltered from anything remotely gay. Not to mention, I've always struggled with being social in situations where you're "supposed" to be. Mostly, I prefer to stand back and observe but a few drinks always help loosen me up.
As I stood at the bar, I began a conversation with a girl named Kim. She was a friend of the host and gyopo (๊ตํฌ), a term sometimes used with a negative connotation to describe a Korean who has lost touch with their Korean heritage, often because they were adopted out of the country as a baby and raised elsewhere. She had returned to Korea in search of her birth mother, hoping to regain that much-needed link to her home country.
Physically, she was androgynous with short black hair, countless tattoos and a beautiful face. Personality-wise she came across as smart, strong, creative, witty and a bit overly confident. The two of us talked for hours and in the weeks that followed I continued getting to know her. We stayed up late messaging back and forth, as Iโd scroll through her photos on Facebook, wondering what it was that I was feeling. I didnโt know what was happening inside but it was new and strangely intoxicating.
One night, after having a few too many drinks, I sent her a message admitting my crush but also played it off in the same breath as a drunken mistake, just in case it wasnโt received the way I had hoped (and honestly, I had no idea what I was hoping for but no one wants to be told, โno thanksโ). She replied quickly and firmly, "If you're drunk, fuck off. If not, let's go on a date." To which I answered, wide-eyed and shocked at my boldness, "Let's go on a date."
To say it was terrifying was an understatement but I felt like I had nothing to lose. I was in a strange country where no one knew who I was and barely anyone spoke my language. My family and friends were thousands of miles and several time zones away. No one could judge me or even so much as voice their opinion. It was total freedom and I could be anyone I wanted to be. And for the first time in my life, I could be with a woman, something that had genuinely never crossed my mind.
In the end, we did go on that date and hung out for a few intoxicating weeks before she returned to the States. She was my first real kiss, not one of those Girls Gone Wild moments that happen on your 21st birthday and because of her, my entire world changed.
Dating Transgender
After Kim left Korea, my dating life took a few strange twists. I was introduced to a mutual friend, a Korean woman (and I say woman because she was still living as a female in her daily life) who owned a bar in Sincheon. After a short time dating, she explained she was transgender but not able to come out because of her business and relationship with her father. In Korea, itโs a huge risk to come out, with potential to lose your job or become disowned by family and friends.
It was a troubled relationship from the start and didn't work out but not for lack of trying. We both drank too much and weren't very honest with each other or ourselves regarding our needs. It also didn't help that my Korean wasn't great and her English, the same, so communication was a huge issue. She struggled with anger, coming to grips with being transgender and was not comfortable letting me touch her or even see her naked. Less than a year later, we called it quits only after she flew to the States to meet my family and had a dramatic blowup.
Coming Out
Before her arrival, it was finally time to let my family in on my little secret. One by one, I called each of my four brothers and told them I was not interested in men anymore, something I look back on and see as a little unfair to my partner. It's a strange thing to be discovering you're attracted to the same sex only to be dating someone who isnโt that sex. Dating transgender, for me, was a confusing thing I couldnโt wrap my head around. After all, I didnโt even know how to be gay, let alone the nuance around being transgender (in another country, no less).
Each of my brothers accepted the news better than expected. No skin off their backs. I called my mom and explained I was dating a woman and she made a joke about Cher and laughed it off. My father was a different story, though, and I knew Iโd have to tell him in person. Understandably because I was his oldest and only girl in a Mormon family, the one who was supposed to marry a man and have tons of babies. I remember his reply as if it were yesterday, the way heโs always given us kids the space to be ourselves, "I don't agree with your decision but I will always support you no matter what," and that was that.
Troubled from the Start
After a short holiday, I returned to Korea for another year of teaching. My previous relationship was behind me and I was excited to get back into the dating world. Almost immediately, I reconnected with a Korean friend only to discover we had feelings for eachother. At the time, he was in a long term relationship and I was the other woman. After months of sneaking around he finally let her go, although their relationship continued to cause problems for us in the coming years.
This partner is also transgender, something I learned after our initial spark was lit and didnโt fully understand until some time later. Although he lived as a female at the office, he was much more open about his decision to live as a male with myself and other friends. It was a very confusing time for me as I was testing the waters as a gay woman but had to say I have a boyfriend (who was transgender).
As time passed, we planned a trip home to the States. Utah would be our first stop, visiting my mom and grandparents, then on to Chicago and Michigan for my brothers and dad. In preparation, I sent a message to my family explaining what it meant to be transgender and that we prefer everyone call my partner "he." I wanted to make sure he felt comfortable and safe and everyone was respectful. It wouldnโt have been fair to create an unpleasant situation because of my fear and anxiety.
In that sense, the visit went well but my worst fear was realized when we couldnโt even get along for a few days. One night in Chicago, he went missing, drunk and wandering the streets, something I was used to in Korea but not something I could handle my brother witnessing. I was uttering humiliated and ashamed.
Back in Korea, the relationship continued to move in the wrong direction. After nearly two years of battling his drinking with my lack of patience we called it quits and it's a shock we didn't kill each other during the process. It was an incredibly dark relationship, especially toward the end and I felt trapped and unsafe in Korea with nowhere to turn. Ultimately, I made the decision to return home after four years in such a beautiful country.
Through these struggles and failed relationships I've learned so many valuable lessons. Most importantly, itโs only worth perusing someone whoโs actually available. And that I want to be with a woman who wants to be a woman and is happy in her own body and wants me to touch it (although Iโm still working through trauma in this area but now I Have a Sex Coach. I've also learned that I can't save anyone from their pain and Iโm not responsible for anyone elseโs actions. The best thing I can do is live my truth and remove those in my life who donโt respect me and my boundaries.
Acceptance
A few months ago, my grandmother asked if I had a "special friend." That's what she calls it when I have a girlfriend. I told her I didn't but she asked if we could talk more on the subject. Weโd never spoken openly about being gay but years earlier one of my brothers had dished my secret at the dinner table without my presence. She was definitely aware.
My grandmother went on about how she had been watching Caitlyn Jenner on TV and I had a feeling I knew where this conversation was headed. She asked me if that was what I liked, if I was only interested in dating transgendered people, which makes sense based on my history. She kindly explained that I could tell her anything, that she had an open mind.
I replied, those relationships began with a connection to the person rather than a specific sex and it wasn't intentional who I fell for but as for now, I'm intentionally looking to date women. She understood perfectly.
The conversation really opened my eyes to the idea of acceptance. I think oftentimes we don't give others the chance to accept us. We assume they won't so we suffer in silence. In my case, my 80 year old Mormon grandmother told me she could accept me for whomever I wanted to be and thereโs nothing more beautiful than that.