I Have a Sex Coach
It’s Not (Really) About Sex
What is a Sex Coach, Anyway?
Over the last decade I’ve spent hundreds of hours in the pursuit of a better self. I’ve attended intense three-day seminars, read countless books on self discovery, love and empowerment, spoken with several therapists and even tried to physically remove pain and troubles from my body with a healer but the one area I’ve never been able to broach is my sexual self. Recently, though, it’s become abundantly clear that there’s just too much trauma and misinformation in that bucket for me to unpack on my own.
The solution? A sex coach. Yes, that's right. But what exactly is a sex coach? Coaching differs from therapy in that a coach is able to share more personal information with you, their own experiences and opinions. It’s also more behavior based, rather than thought work like traditional therapy. And generally, coaching focuses more on the future rather than digging into the past.
My specific program dealt with getting rid of trauma, pain and shame related to my sexual self, learning to honor my body and understand my lady parts, outlining my goals in terms of relationships, both platonic and romantic, opening up and putting myself out there, creating boundaries and upholding those boundaries, discovering what I actually enjoy sexually and learning how to communicate those needs to my partner.
Religion and Sex Don’t Mix
My fear and uncomfortable feelings around sex began as a child in the church. Growing Up Mormon was confusing. We had so many rules that didn’t make sense and even more baffling were moral codes that I was constantly trying to demystify, especially those around sex. No sex before marriage, that’s for sure but sex wasn’t looked at as pleasurable; it was a task or duty and a path to having children. After marriage, women’s main responsibility was to pop out as many babies as possible. There was no talk of pleasure, intimacy, play, consent, empowerment or exploration. But worst of all, there wasn’t anyone to talk to about sex. And as a kid, I realized pretty quickly that unspoken words were shameful and disgusting; sex was a secret no one should talk about.
Around the age of five I discovered a brown paper bag in the vent of my parents bathroom. Peaking inside, I saw a magazine smeared with naked women. Doing what I thought was right, I gave the magazine to my parents. I don’t remember many of the details, who I gave it to or even if there was any yelling but I do remember one thing: my dad had done something unforgivable. For years, I didn’t understand if the gross feelings around this event were my fault or if my dad was just some kind of weird pervert. It was only years later that I realized what he had done was perfectly normal, healthy even, and it was unfortunate he had to hide.
I Was Raped
It’s not a violent story and it was over quickly but it took me years to realize, I was raped. At the time, I was in my twenties and had a habit of going out drinking with friends. One night, after the bar we ended up at someone else’s place. A friend of a friend was interested in me so I thought there wasn’t any harm in a quick make-out session behind closed doors. The two of us went into another room and I vaguely remember sitting down on a sofa. The next thing I knew, I came to and he was on top of me having sex. Terrified and panicked, I told him to get off of me.
In the end, the worst part wasn’t even the creepy guy, it was the friendship I lost over what happened and the feeling of being unsafe in what should have been a safe place. My close friend was upset that something happened between the two of us and things were never the same. Honestly, I don’t think I ever told him the truth because I was too ashamed.
From there, I had countless unhealthy relationships with gay, straight, men, women and transgender, both in the States and South Korea. I had already lost my power and continued to let those close to me take advantage mentally, emotionally and physically. I didn’t know what I liked, what was healthy or how to express my emotions. Nearly 20 years of feeling alone, abused and desperate left me hopeless, without much know-how to heal.
My Personalized Program (an Overview)
After finally accepting that I needed more help in the sex department than a few bestsellers could offer and a breakup to spark change, I got in touch with sex coach, Jocelyn Silva. Initially, I was skeptical but agreed to three sessions to see if we were a fit. After those were successful, I was fully on board with 12 additional sessions and although I was optimistic, I was still terrified because we hadn’t gotten into any of the heavy stuff yet. We planned to meet weekly every Wednesday evening for one hour.
Jocelyn was able to tailor the program to my needs and planned discussions and assignments accordingly. If I wasn’t ready to move on, we didn’t. We started off outlining my specific goals and priorities and then moved on to discussing what type of energy I’m attracted to. Pretty quickly, though, she discovered that I was so stuck in my pain, we had to first clear out all the past trauma from my mind, heart and body. From there, it was on to setting healthy boundaries, manifesting my next romantic partner and empowering myself by defining the types of relationships I wanted in my life and how I might attract them.
About half way through, most of the yucky stuff had been cleared out, leaving room for the yummy. This translated to my Friends Journey, where I started dedicating a lot of time and energy into cultivating a queer community in Los Angeles. The next few weeks were committed to finding my power, feeling confident in my decisions, caring for myself and my body and owning my sexuality. Finally, I focused on clearly defining what I do and don’t like in and out of the bedroom and how to communicate those needs effectively to my partner.
Getting Started: What is Sexual Success?
Because I didn’t know what sexual success looked like, my coach laid it out simply. In order to have sexual success there are two things that must happen. One, I must be confident. And in order to be confident it would take lots of practice. Got it. Second, I must take ownership. Ownership of everything including my actions, feelings and communication around sex. Ownership of my trauma and my healing. My desire. My body. My energy. All of it. This was absolutely huge for me as I’d always felt like the victim; sex was happening to me without my say. But honestly, how could anyone have known what I like if I didn’t know myself?
How to Communicate (Effectively)
One of the first topics Jocelyn and I focused on was communication. How do I know if I’m communicating to my partner effectively? First off, I need to know what to communicate and that comes from knowing myself. Do I like it fast or slow? Hard or soft? How often would I like to have sex? Do I need foreplay or are toys my thing? What are my boundaries?
Second, effective communication is honest and kind. It takes practice to learn how to say things so that they don’t hurt someone’s feelings. Using “I” statements are the best way to have accountability.
Third, be an active listener. Active listening can be described as preparing to listen, observing verbal and non-verbal messages and giving appropriate feedback to show that you’re paying attention to the message. This creates a mutual understanding between the listener and speaker.
Lastly, to communicate effectively, action should be taken based on what was communicated. So, if I’m questioning whether or not I’ve communicated clearly or enough or in a way that’s being understood, I might need to try again. Over communicate, if necessary.
Pain Inventory
To clear out all my yucky feelings around sex Jocelyn had me fill out an exhaustive Pain Inventory. My Pain Inventory, the cumulative list of all the pain caused to me by others, went on at length. It documented everything from the creep in the elevator who grabbed me as he ran out the door, to the countless bullying and controlling romantic relationships I’d been part of. Being taken advantage of, manipulated, cheated on, lied to, screamed at, kicked out, bullied into sexual acts, choked and even locking myself in a closet at night were only some of the traumatizing experiences I’d had.
Ultimately, it was this detailed list that got me thinking. I wasn’t mad at any of the offenders, not even the one’s who loved me or should’ve known better. Some meant so little, I couldn’t even remember their names. Instead, I was furious and disappointed with myself. Not only for being part of these events (definitely wasn’t always innocent) but I hadn’t been strong enough to say no, to walk away or to stand up for myself in a way that was kind and loving. It was this shame that had been slowly poisoning me for years.
Burning Ceremony
From there, instead of writing letters to those who had wronged me, I wrote one to myself. In that letter, I forgave myself for all the mistakes I’d made and gave myself advice, what I wished I had heard at the time, in a gentle and compassionate way. I told the future me that I’d be okay, that there was so much to look forward to and I accepted her unconditionally and fully. When I was finished, Jocelyn asked me to have a burning ceremony, so I ripped my letter into a million tiny pieces and burned them until they were ash.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is essential when nurturing important relationships and especially important when creating and maintaining a healthy sex life. They help us feel safe and understood, cared for and valued. Enforcing boundaries means having the courage to love ourselves even when it risks disappointing others. Ultimately, I’m the one who decides how people treat me, what I’ll tolerate and how I spend my time and energy. The five types of boundaries we need to honor are physical (sexual), emotional, mental, material and time (energy).
In this exercise, I developed my personal physical (sexual), emotional, mental, material and time (energy) boundaries. My physical boundaries had a lot to do with not feeling like an object (being poked, smacked or called names). I also don’t enjoy being made to feel like touch is owed or expected. Emotionally, my boundaries meant not feeling responsible for someone else’s sadness or pain. I can’t carry it, solve it or be punished for it. And there’s also a limit to how much emotional energy I can give; ideally my partner meets me in the middle. Mentally, a boundary of mine is to have my partner value my thoughts and opinions, giving me space to be myself. What works for me doesn’t have to work for you but respecting my choices is important. My material boundaries are to respect my belongings and personal space. My time and energy boundaries are to honor both and communicate effectively if you fall short.
With all this in mind, I created a detailed list of specific boundaries for my friends, family, work life and potential partners to uphold. Upon making my new friends, I’d need to clearly outline my boundaries, stating my intentions. And when and if the time comes that someone crosses a boundary of mine, I’d need to address it immediately. If they cannot respect my boundaries, I’d have to say good bye.
Vulva Gazing
The next few weeks were spent determining what I wanted my relationships to look like, reflecting on where I might make those connections and how to attract these high vibration individuals. Slowly, I began putting myself out there, joining activities that fire me up and making powerful decisions instead of letting things happen to me, truly owning my power. My friends journey was well underway. Then, it was finally time to get into the juicy sex stuff. Enter, fear and anxiety.
During the seventh week, Jocelyn gave me a detailed description of my lady parts, including common misconceptions, like, for starters, it’s better referred to as a vulva, not a vagina.
Then, I was charged with gazing at my vulva for at least 30 seconds every day and having conversations with her. Thankfully, Jocelyn provided a few thought starters.
How can I make you feel safe?
What can I do to ensure you experience pleasure and joy?
What can I change about the ways in which I relate to you/how others relate to you?
It was over the next week that I finally started to sense a shift. I began to feel not only protective but proud of my vulva. I realized, in the past I had no connection to her and almost felt like she was disobeying me, deceiving me, not mine, a stranger. I didn’t know who she was so I hadn’t protected her. She’d been a dark shameful part of me and it was finally time to bring her to light.
At the end of the week, Jocelyn and I held a Yoni Gazing Ceremony where she guided me through the steps off camera. Surprisingly, it wasn’t as scary as I’d imagined and I really enjoyed the experience. It helped me begin to fall in love with her. After all, she’s mine and I’m the only one responsible for making her feel safe and loved. Just as much as I’m responsible for her pain, I’m responsible for her joy. That realization felt powerful and personal. My vulva isn’t something to be scared of, she’s something to honor and treat with care.
Love Letter to My Yoni
Dear Labia,
I’ve spent four decades ignoring you, pretending you didn’t have feelings or desires. I’ve been ashamed of you, used you, abused you and caused you so much pain. I’ve taken you for granted and asked you to suck it up and take it, far too many times.
I used to be afraid to talk about you, to ask you what felt good or to touch you. And I didn’t listen when you told me “no.” For that, I am sorry. I regret not honoring you and I feel sadness for not giving you the kindness you deserved.
Finally, though, just as I’ve worked to give so many other areas of my life the respect they deserve, I’m ready to do that for you. I promise to listen when you tell me you’re in pain or when you need more time. I’ll encourage you to explore your needs and offer kind words and tenderness along the way. I’ll be understanding and compassionate as you slowly shed the pain I’ve caused you.
Looking forward, we are one. We are together and we are safe. I promise to protect and love you always.
Yours Truly,
Jess
Knowing Me, Knowing You
A real sticky spot for me has always been the communication part of sex, and I think a lot of that stems from not knowing what I want. Yeah, everything feels pretty good but how do I explain that it’s not exactly what I want. How do I redirect without hurting someone’s feelings or potentially ruining our sex life forever? As past experiences have taught me, it’s often safer to just keep quiet. But that’s where Jocelyn protested. If you can’t communicate with your partner about sex then you shouldn’t be having it at all.
Although meant to be a straight forward exercise, I really struggled with this one, spending an extra week outlining exactly what I like before, during and after sex. Initially, I thought, sure, I know what I like but when I had to put it into words, it wasn’t as easy. Plus, Jocelyn wanted specifics and she wasn’t going to let me off easy. So, here goes.
Foreplay
We started off easy with foreplay, both physical and non. Is foreplay important to me and if so, what do I like? Pretty quickly, I realized foreplay was almost as important, if not more so, than the actual sex. I enjoy all of it including eye contact, flirting, holding hands, caressing and kissing. Connecting sensually, emotionally and passionately are where it’s at for me. The possibility, the anticipation. And confidence, not only in one’s energy but in communication and touch. Typically, I prefer to move slowly and not be called names as it makes me feel objectified.
Touching My Body/Touching Your Body
Then we moved on to touching my body and touching your body. What do I like touched? How do I want to be touched? Where do I like to touch my partner? My response: I love it when you touch my hands, arms, shoulders, neck, chest, breasts, nipples, hips, waist, back, thighs, ass and yoni. Soft intimate touches at first. More often I enjoy the build up, teasing even, over being too aggressive and I could go without my face being touched (not my thing). Touching your body, I enjoy touching your lips, kissing, holding your hand, skin to skin contact, caressing forearms (veins), thighs, chest, breasts, collar bone, back, waist, hips, thighs and yoni.
Me Going Down on You/You Going Down on Me
It was on to me going down on you and you going down on me. How do I like it to be initiated? Where are my hands placed? How fast or slow am I moving? How much pressure is applied? What does it feel like? What does it smell like? What does it taste like? Do I prefer to use my mouth or fingers or both? Are there any verbal or non-verbal cues? I’ll let you use your imagination on this one. What kinds of things am I not into?
The Whole Kit and Caboodle
Getting even deeper, we moved on to sexual positions, what I enjoy during sex (soft/rough, hard/soft, licking, biting and so on), non-verbal communication from me and non-verbal communication from you, verbal communication from me and verbal communication from you, how to be playful, kinks, aftercare and self pleasure. Jocelyn made sure I dug really deep and got into explicit detail with each one of these areas. The clearer, the better. Whew, no stone left unturned.
Graphic Sex Project
After every single sexy detail was laid out, it was on to my next assignment. Jocelyn had me put together two charts showing “How I Typically Have Sex” and “How I Like to Have Sex” from the Graphic Sex Project. Each colored block represents a separate action or feeling, combining them to create a progression of what takes place during sex. The little dots represent each partners orgasm.
How I Typically Have Sex
My first graph showing “How I Typically Have Sex,” was extremely eye opening. There was a lot of pressure, confusion, duty and uncertainty. It was flat, unconnected and uninspiring. Everything was wrapped up in yucky feelings rather than actually being in my body, physically feeling and enjoying the moment.
My second graph showing “How I Like to Have Sex,” was completely different, using nearly double the amount of blocks as my first. There was progression, curiosity, teasing, tenderness, reciprocation and passion. I was fully present, unencumbered, open to explore, free to give and free to receive. Even the recovery and aftercare were thoughtful, patient and kind.
How I Like to Have Sex
This helped me realize that I had been stuck in a loop. Somewhere along the way, Jocelyn and I discovered that I had a tendency to let things happen to me instead of owning my power and making my own decisions. Simply put, participating. She once told me the way I show up in the world is the same way I show up in the bedroom and that really stuck. I had been a bystander in my own sex life, not owning my pleasure or discomfort. Letting it all happen to me and then complaining it wasn’t right.
“If it’s not a fuck yes, it’s a fuck no.”
Yes, No, Maybe
Yes, No, Maybe came along just in time. This exercise was meant to explore what drives me wild, what kinds of things I can get into and my absolute no no’s. Jocelyn provided a list of over 50 sexual acts and I was asked to place each one into the buckets of yes, no or maybe. Some of the sexy behaviors were one’s I’d never even considered like pegging (doesn’t really apply), impact play or vaginal fisting while others were fairly straight forward.
Yes, Please
Some of my yes’s were biting, blindfolding, sexting, tickling, mutual masterbation, kissing, finger fucking, massage, oral sex, pinching, outdoor sex, scissoring, grinding, nipple play, oils and lotions, face sitting and edging.
No Way, José
The no’s were pretty obvious for me and mostly dealt with past traumas that I’m not quite healed from. The no’s included things like threesomes, strap on sex, consensual non-monogamy, anal fisting, paying for sex and shaving.
Maybe?
My maybe’s were more open to interpretation and dependent upon context. The maybe’s I could potentially get down with were bondage, dirty talk, role play, public sex, small sex toys, anal rimming, lap dancing and making videos.
After filtering through all the sex acts and determining which ones were for me and which ones weren’t, Jocelyn asked what I found interesting or surprising about my answers and what were my first impressions. Immediately, what I found most interesting was the sheer amount of yes’s I had compared to the no’s. Of course, I had wild times in my twenties like a threesome with my best friend and her boyfriend or sex outside in the grass during a wild thunderstorm but I’ve always thought of myself as fairly conservative, prude even. I realized those were old hangups and simply, not true.
Another incredible insight was that I’ve always felt a little limited once I hit the bedroom, like there are only a few things we can do. This really opened up my eyes to the variety and creativity that can happen in the bedroom if I make it a priority. It gave me hope for the future and power knowing where I stood.
Dear Me 16 Weeks Ago
During my last week, Jocelyn suggested I write a letter to my old self 16 weeks ago, who was only beginning this life changing journey. Reading it today, still brings tears to my eyes. This is what I wrote to myself after 16 weeks with Jocelyn:
Dear Jessica,
You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know you’re fearless in so many other areas of your life but sex doesn’t need to be so untouchable. It’s okay to feel the way you do and the best way to help yourself is to honor your feelings and do what you feel is right. It’s time to trust, to put yourself out there, to open your mind and your heart and ask for what you want.
This journey will help you discover what it is you desire, what makes you feel good and how to ask for it. You’ll learn that you have all the power and no one else is as powerful as you are in your own life. This process, like any other, will take time and sitting in the uncomfortable, but if you do, you’ll come out the other side feeling lighter, less shameful and more confident.
The fear and mystery you had surrounding sex will slowly evaporate. You’ll be excited to take on new challenges each week. You’ll fall in love with and learn to honor your body because if you can’t, no one else will. You’ll also affirm that sex isn’t’ really about sex, it’s about communication, understanding, patience, respect and honesty. And the more you’re able to open up about sex, the better. Practice, practice, practice.
With love,
Jess
Happy Chance
Though healing my sexual self hasn’t been easy, I’m certain I’m on the right track and I can’t thank Jocelyn enough. It’s been an absolute pleasure working with her over the last few months. Each week, she showed up in a thoughtful, warm, kind and encouraging way. From the bottom of my heart, thank you ♡
A short time after Jocelyn and I finished our sessions, I was off exploring the world as I usually do, on my own. This time, I was in Split, Croatia. Walking down the street on my way to pick up some luggage, I heard a voice. Immediately, I knew. It was Jocelyn. I raised my eyes from the pavement and looked up. There she was, standing directly in front of me. It was our first time meeting face to face after months of Zoom. We couldn’t believe our luck. And I found out she not only gives incredible advice but she also gives incredible hugs.