Human as Fuck
Be You, Everyone Else is Taken
Being yourself isn’t always as easy as it sounds, especially for me. Not because I had it tough because I didn’t. As the oldest and only girl of five, I was a daddy’s girl. I was spoiled; not in a brand name kind of way but I didn’t ever have to work for much. My vehicles were paid for. Spending money and new clothes were available. My parents worked very hard to provide.
But as much as I’d love to say being spoiled was a fairy tale, I look back and see how it created a sense of entitlement within me. Things came easily and I thought I deserved everything I wanted. My views were black and white. I was right and everyone else was wrong. This security blanket kept me from taking risks knowing that my safe decisions wouldn’t challenge me. I didn’t even go away to school so I could live at home in comfort, despite being accepted to multiple universities.
Around the age of 26 I began to realize how limiting my viewpoint truly was. It sounds cliche but I was encouraged to attend a three-day seminar meant to redefine what’s possible for my life (think Tony Robbins style). Going in, I had no expectations but walked out a changed woman. For whatever reason it was exactly the push I needed.
At the seminar I learned I didn’t have to be the person I thought I was supposed to be. I could be any kind of person I wanted. Each morning I could wake up and create Jessica. I could be stuck in my old ways or I could try something new. This was a huge revelation. Things didn't seem black and white anymore, there were so many shades of grey.
Almost immediately, I gathered the courage to move across the country from Detroit to Salt Lake City. And within three months I was once again packing my bags but this time it was across the world to South Korea. It was my turn to try my hand at teaching, a childhood dream that was never fully realized due to practicality.
My time in Korea and teaching my little ones became a passion of mine and I've never worked harder at something in my life. While in Korea, my world slowly started to change in ways I had never imagined. I met a girl and began to question my perspective on love and human connection. Did I have it all wrong?
Sometimes I wonder, if I hadn't gone to Korea or moved to Salt Lake or even gone to that seminar, would I be gay? Would I be living a life that’s authentic? It’s likely that I’d be stuck in my hometown married to a man wondering why I felt so unfulfilled.
Despite being spoiled as a kid, I was taught many valuable lessons. I was always trusted and given the freedom to make my own decisions. And thanks to my four brothers, I was a pretty tough cookie.That freedom combined with a thick backbone and my newfound confidence finally gave me the chance to be myself. Plus, dating women allowed me to shed annoying stereotypes of what a “girl” should be.
As I’ve consciously taken the time to choose who I want to be, so many things have opened up, the biggest of which are my perspective, resilience and open mindedness. Physically, I’ve lost my long hair, push-up bras and high heels. And I’ve slowly begun to cover myself in tattoos, even though I don’t consider myself a tattoo person (whatever that is). For me, it’s just another way to express myself.
So, as Silkk The Shocker would say, "Express Yo Self" and BE HUMAN. Be you.